50+ Irish Jokes, One-Liners, and Hilarious Quotes

The Irish are known as great storytellers, and it’s for a good reason. Some of the greatest writers, such as James Joyce, are Irish. What you may not know however, is that the Irish are seriously funny.

When we were in Ireland a few years back, I remember being in a pub called Darkey Kelley’s just off Grafton Street (located at the Harding Hotel). There was a portly 70 year-old guy in there at a table with some friends while listening to a small band that was playing traditional Irish Folk music (which is something really enjoyable, if you haven’t had the chance).

There was only one table available, and the guys says to me “here, take this seat, lad.” I sat down, and he looks at me and goes “what are ye doin’?” Confused, I stand up slowly, and he says “no, no, I said ye kin sit down!” So, I sat. Then he looks at me, almost with anger on his face, and says “but, ye can’t sit there!” I say, “oh, I’m sorry, is there another chair?” and he looks at me and just starts laughing. He was taking the piss out on me the entire time, and eventually bought me a beer.

Humor and Ireland go hand in hand. There’s synonymous with each other. Not all the jokes are great – in fact, some are quite bad. But the tradition behind jokes remains the same, and it’s really the light-hearted nature of a joke, good or bad, that really make the Irish stand out.

Here’s a great list of the classic Irish jokes, Paddy jokes (they’re a classic in Ireland), short jokes, and one-liners, both from famous Irish people and unknown Irish folklorists!

Irish One-Liners and Short Jokes

If you’re enough lucky to be Irish… You’re lucky enough!

Here’s health to your enemies’ enemies!

May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

May the wind always be at your back.

May you be at the gates of heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead!

Here’s to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold pint and another one!

A cabin with plenty of food is better than a hungry castle

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven’t seen the joke yet.

A hair on the head is worth two on the brush.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished.An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me.

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

I can resist everything except temptation.

Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Don’t talk about a rope in the house of someone whose father was hung.

Every St. Patrick’s Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to.

Everyone is wise until he speaks.

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.
In heaven there is no beer…That’s why we drink ours here.

God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish people from ruling the world.

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you’re important and nice, but you take second place all the same.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy teenagers?

Wherever you go and whatever you do, May the luck of the Irish be there with you.

You never miss the water till the well has run dry.

You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.
It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life

It’s a loser’s emblem (swastika), because the Nazis lost the war. It’s ridiculous to suggest we are involved with fascists. All my best friends are black, gay, Irish or criminals.

Many times, a man’s mouth has broken his nose.

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of

Damnation that the Lord himself can’t find you with a telescope.

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Nodding the head does not row the boat.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

Praise the ripe field not the green corn.

Sometimes I think I am a genius. Then I realize I’ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another.

The Irish don’t know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it.

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

There are only three kinds of Irish men who can’t understand women— young men, old men, and men of middle age.

Jokes by Well-Known Irishmen

“What are you famous for? Nothing, I’m just famous.” – Irish Murdoch

“Daddy, when I grow up I want to be an actor… Don’t be greedy, son, you can’t be both.” – Hugh Leonard

“I once told my dentist I’d prefer to have a baby than have a tooth out. He said, “you better make up your mind before I adjust the chair.” – Maureen Potter

“Is anything worn beneath the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order!” – Spike Milligan

“I’m not a complete idiot – a bit’s missing.” – Dusty Young

“Viriginity is very like a souvenir, sometimes priceless to its owner but worth much less in the open market.” – John B. Keane

“Why do you stand for election to get a seat?” – Donal Foley

“I often sit back and think “I wish I’d done that” and find out later that I already have.” – Richard Harris

“That’s the Irish all over – they treat a joke as a serious thing and a serious thing as a joke.” – Sean O’Casey

“It’s nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.” – Graham Linehan

Irish Jokes (Short Jokes, Long Jokes, and Paddys)

Paddy’s Doughnuts

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both”

The Irish farmer and the Smart-Ass Barrister

A smart-ass English barrister and an Irish farmer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight.

Paddy is trying to sleep.

The Barrister thinks to himself “Irishmen are so stupid; I could put one over on this big man easily…”

So he asks if the Irishman to play a fun game to pass the time.

Paddy would rather sleep but courteously asks “What kind of a game?” and the barrister replies, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.”

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?”

Paddy doesn’t say a word but just reaches in his pocket pulls out a fiver and hands it to the Barrister.

Then it’s Paddy’s turn.

He thinks for a bit then says “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer uses his laptop and Goggles all the references he can find on the Net.
He emails all his smart barrister friends but all to no avail.

Eventually, after an hour he gives up and turns to a sleeping Paddy then shakes him awake and hands him €500.

Paddy pockets the €500, turns in his seat and goes right back to sleep.

The barrister is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes Paddy up again and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the barrister €5.00 and goes back to sleep.

The Driving Priest

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Shopping for Olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

‘S’cuse me,’ said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. ‘What was that all about?’

‘Nothing,’ he replied, ‘my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.’

The Texan in Ireland

A Texan walks into an Irish pub and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

It Could Be Worse

I first met O’Reilly when I was in St Peter’s Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O’Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:’ What happened to you?’ asked Callaghan.

‘I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op’s plate glass window,’ mumbled O’Reilly.”Begorrah,’ exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, ‘It’s a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you’d have been cut to ribbons!’

The Scotsman

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says,

“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

The Genie

Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks ‘Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like’

Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers ‘A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. ‘Granted master’ retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. ‘Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?’ ‘You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle’ he asks the Genies. ‘Well, for my final two wishes, I’d like another two of them’

Antique roadshow

Paddy drags a huge box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. ‘Where did you get this?’ asks the expert.

It’s been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure’ replies Paddy, ‘and I tink it must be some kind of a family heirloom.’‘I see,’ says the expert. ‘Tell me, do you have insurance?’‘

No,’ replies Paddy.‘Do yus think I shud?’‘Yeah,’ replies the expert. ‘It’s your water tank.

Speeding Paddy

Paddy was minding his own business driving back to Limerick from Kilkee in County Clare.

As he entered the townland of Lissycasey, a big fat and near to retirement age Garda, you know the type, jumps out from behind a bush brandishing a speed gun and waves Paddy to a stop.

“You were speeding,” says the guard. “Doing thirty-three in a thirty zone.” He continued.

“Feckit Guard,” says Paddy “I didn’t see no fecking sign. It must be covered by them bushes.”

“Bushes or no bushes, I’m giving you a ticket and a hundred euro fine,” say’s Brian the Guard. Now show me your tax, licence, insurance and registration documents.” Brian continues.

“Shur, I don’t have any tax, licence, insurance and shur, the fecking car isn’t even mine. It belongs to the guy in the boot, I hit him over the head with me revolver when I stole his car.”

“Jaysus!” Said the Guard as he backed away and jumped over the nearest ditch while frantically calling for back-up on his radio.

Within ten-minutes back-up consisting of two unmarked and three patrol cars had arrived from Kilrush.

A helicopter hovered overhead and a nervous Superintendent wearing a bullet-proof vest approaches Paddy’s car where Paddy was nonchalantly listing to Lyric FM belting out classical music on the radio.

“Is this your car?” asks the Superintendent.

‘Tis to be sure.” Answers Paddy — all respectful like.

“And do you have tax, insurance and a license?”

“I do indeed,” says Paddy handing them out through the window.

“And do you have a gun and a body in the boot?”

“Jaysus No!” Says Paddy, “who told you that pack of lies?”

“Why he did — that garda over there,” says the Super.

“Well, the fecking liar,” says Paddy “I suppose he fecking told you I was speeding as well………”

The job interview

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.

“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.

After thinking for a long while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”

“Oh yes it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,

“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100

Old man Murphy

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean

“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”

Going to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now.”

Tiger Woods

Irish jokes tiger woods

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dose? asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything”

3 Drinkers

Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,

“Your mum’s the best shag in town!”

Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says,

“I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”

Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”

Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”

The Irishman and the travel agency

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100.

He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”

The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”

Public Works Department

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”

Paddy visits the supermarket

Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping

With his list, he went to reach for the largest cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it.

“Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you be wanting the biggest one,” he winked.

“You’ve got me” she giggled, “Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?”

“No thanks,” said Paddy, “I’ve got better things to do with me time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches.”

Can I blame it on Guinness?

Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”

“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.”

“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.“But why are you asking?”

“Well, I was thinkin’ . . .

What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.

The Parachute fail

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in a tree by a farmer, What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

The plane disaster

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain’s voice came over the loudspeaker.“Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to have failed.

There’s nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.”

Five minutes later he said, “Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.”

A moment later, “Er…sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up and we will now be two hours later than expected.

One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder.“Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we’ll be here all night”

Paddy’s dog

Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and 3 whiskies, his money had run out…but poor Paddy wanted a few more. He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros

He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note.

“I have kidnapped your dog ..I am sorry to do this, but I need the money ..”

Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree, in the park in 2 hours time, “Signed, Paddy from Cork.”

He pinned the note inside the little dog’s collar and told the dog to go straight home.

Two hours later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note …

“Here is your money .. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed “the dog-owner”

The local newsagent

I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, “watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”

Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”

I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”

Paddy says, “underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”

Paddy’s wife is deaf

Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.

Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway,

He thinks to himself I’m about 40 feet away let’s see what happens.

In a normal tone, he asks “Mary what’s for dinner my lovely?”

No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says” Mary what’s for feckin dinner ?”. Still no response.

He moves closer about 20 feet. ” Mary, for Christ’s sake can ye be telling me what’s for dinner ?” Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing.

So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?

She replied,

FOR FUCK SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!!

Murphy goes to confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.

And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

Paddy in a hotel

Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd.

Have you looked for the door?”

Paddy Irishman replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom.

There’s a second door that goes into the closet.

And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

Julia Roberts

An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage in a train.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, “The Irish fella must have kissed Julia and she missed him and slapped me instead.”

Julia Robert was thinking, “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”

And the Irishman was thinking,

“This is feckin great to be sure. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.”

Paddy and Joseph

Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night.

They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

“Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us”

Paddy called as he caught his breath.

“You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night?” Joseph called.

“My friends are such fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelt my name and here I have to correct it!”

The finest single malt scotch

Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch.

The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.

He then takes the last one in the and does the same.

The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?”And Paddy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick

The Italian Lawyer

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says.

This catches the Irishman’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’

The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn.

He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on Google.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00.

The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

Don’t mess with the Irish!

The Weekly Raffle

Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub’s weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize:

Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.

The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes.

Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted

Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.

‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’

An elderly woman in a bank:

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $10,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’

‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Ireland’

The parking space prayer

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”

So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.

“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.

An Irish man in Italy

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night, he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs.

She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

‘Honey!,’ she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’

‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

One with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Skinny little Irish man

Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next tohim.

The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’

The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’

In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’

The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me……

I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’

The little white Irish man says: ‘Turner Brown?! …. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!!!!

A Texan walks into an Irish pub:

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.

I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.